There is nothing easy about being a woman. Right? As a woman, you are constantly fighting an inner battle, often unsure of how you actually feel.
While men have common issues in relationships because women are more complex, there is a lot that you can do to decode their behavior. The common saying, “men are from Mars, women are from Venus” often holds true because men and women simply do not think – or express their feelings – in the same way. It often seems like the two sexes come from completely different planets!
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When you think about emotions, it is easy to believe that women are experts in the field. Women can more easily be emotionally complex and sweet while men frequently feel as though they must pretend to be “alpha males.” That is just the way life goes.
However, have you ever found yourself wondering what it must be like to be – or be with – an emotionally unavailable female? This is an intriguing question and one that is admittedly difficult to answer. What is it like to be emotionally unavailable and what sorts of events need to happen in your life to cause you to be this way?
No matter how you look at it, one thing is for sure – women who are emotionally unavailable have often been through a lot, and there are legitimate reasons as to why they act in certain ways. She may have hit rock bottom many times in her life and all of those events have made her more resilient. Thus, turning her into the person she is now.
An emotionally unavailable woman likely won’t put up with any nonsense. She understands people and realizes that she won’t let anyone treat her with disrespect – at least not anymore.
It can be difficult to read and understand the signs of a woman who is emotionally absent. Regardless of whether you are dealing with an emotionally unavailable woman who is your girlfriend, wife, or best friend, there are some clear signs you can read to tell if she is this way.
Let’s get started.
Signs of an Emotionally Unavailable Woman
1. Intimacy is a chronic issue
Many women have lifelong emotional issues because they are mentally ill, experienced a difficult childhood, or have a history of abuse of any kind. Sadly, the trauma of sexual abuse, particularly in childhood, often cannot be erased. This trauma can cause a lifelong distrust of men and a need for self-preservation that makes it difficult for her to get close to a romantic partner.
It is not her fault that she is emotionally unavailable in this case. If you are so in love with her that you want to help her work through her emotional challenges, feel free to do so – you will be a better person for it. However, you also need to realize that this is a challenging situation to put yourself in and this road that you have chosen to take will not be easy.
Remember that you do not have to travel down this road if you do not want to and that you are not a bad person for not staying with her. Some people need more help than a romantic partner can provide, and she might be better off going to see a mental health expert.
2. She has no interest in getting closer
If she seems to have no interest in getting to know you beyond the basic introductions, she is likely struggling with some emotional availability issues. She might not allow you to meet her family or friends and she would also refuse to meet yours.
There is not a lot you can do to remedy this situation but to realize that there are other women that you could date. This is an unpleasant situation to be in, but if she has no interest in getting to know you (in other words, if she is just as happy with you as she is without you), it is time to move on before you fall in love with this person.
It often helps to set some clear relationship guidelines at the beginning of your partnership. This will help prevent you from becoming irritated by your new lover’s behavior. At the end of the day, you will need to come to terms with the fact that she does not need a man in her life and that she will get by on her own.
3. She is only available when it is convenient for her
We get it – caring about other people isn’t everyone’s strong suit. Perhaps she has a don’t-care attitude and that was what attracted you to her in the first place. On the other hand, maybe she likes control and only wants you around when it is convenient for her. She might have been hurt before and is afraid of becoming attached too quickly.
If you recognize these signs, you might need to come to terms with the fact that your chick is completely emotionally unavailable. A woman like that is difficult to handle, but you can try to approach the situation in a number of ways. Begin by telling her how deeply you care about her. Tell her what your expectations are in the relationship. If she truly loves you, she will try to work on her behavior.
4. She is overly lax about her relationships
In general, most women like to have control when it comes to romance. An emotionally unavailable woman, however, will be the opposite, often behaving more like a man than a woman. She might sleep with you and then take off for a few days. You might try to reach her on her cell phone and find that she is unavailable. She might rarely text you back and never be at home when you go looking for her.
What you need to understand is that this woman loves her freedom more than anything else. Try to catch her and she will likely run and never return. In general, an emotionally unavailable woman has some issues. She needs to be by herself in order to find her meaning and purpose. Remember, if the two of you are destined to be together, she will come back, and the two of you will be better than ever.
5. She refuses to be open
Trust is a critical component in any relationship, romantic or otherwise. But trust is difficult to build if both parties are not willing to share information about themselves and their feelings. This lack of trust forms intentional or unintentional deceit, and this deceit can seriously damage a relationship and cause a vicious cycle of lying.
If you think the woman you care for might be concealing herself in some way, you will, over time, become suspicious of her and you may even start to hide things yourself. While this lack of trust can be related to a number of situations, such as previous baggage in a relationship or even abuse, you need to build it up so that the two of you can trust each other once again.
6. She constantly seeks attention
If the woman who is concerning you employs a few weird tricks when she is talking to you, she might be emotionally unavailable. For example, if she is not the center of attention, she may do whatever she can to get you to notice her. She might even behave like a spoiled child and you might believe her to be incapable of love. She might think that this is unfair, but she will need to realize that you can’t pay attention to her at all times.
Being emotionally unavailable is a choice, and it is a choice that she has decided to make. No matter how badly you may want to change her, you won’t be able to – she can’t be changed until she is ready. She will change only when she is ready to do so, so try not to be too pushy. This will cause you to lose her! Instead, remember that if she cares deeply for you, she will do whatever she can to keep you close. If she does not do anything to change, then you might want to end the relationship before it intensifies.
7. She is consistently committed and involved
Even if some of these signs are consistently displayed, you might still want to watch out. For example, if her contact at first is spot-on (meaning she texts you frequently and is always eager to see you) but then drops off after a few days or even a week or two, you might have an emotionally unavailable woman on your hands.
What’s even worse is when she finally does get back to you. She might have a thousand different reasons or excuses as to why she went AWOL – maybe work was crazy or her friends needed her. If this happens infrequently, it is likely not a cause for concern – she might really just be busy. However, if this behavior becomes a norm, she obviously spells trouble. If she wants to be with you, she won’t vanish for weeks at a time – even if she is busy.
8. She avoids commitment
Picture this: you are walking down the street and sees some kids playing on the other side of the road. You casually mention that one day you would like to have your own family. You see her eyes grow wide and a look of panic enters her face.
Does this sound familiar to you or is it something that could potentially happen? If it does, watch out! An emotionally unavailable woman will view this concept like the plague. This is a basic generalization, but most women are generally okay with the thought of having kids or starting a family.
Now, that is not necessarily a dealbreaker, but if the two of you do not have the same general plans for the future, you will likely struggle to find any middle ground. A woman who eschews the idea of having children probably won’t be great wife material, and if that is something you are looking for, you are probably going to suffer. At the end of the day, this kind of woman simply is not interested in commitment – you are going to have to wait a while.
You can absolutely wait for that to happen, but remember – it may take a long time for her to show her feelings. Is she really worth waiting for? Only you can answer this question.
9. She leaves you hanging
A person who is emotionally unavailable will have the need to feel in control at all times. She may feel wronged by a past partner or be totally numbed by previous experiences. Either way, she will probably have trouble staying in touch with her feelings. As a result, she will find it difficult to make herself readily available to you. Making plans in advance will mean being vulnerable, as she could experience betrayal all over again. Instead, she will place herself in the position of power by avoiding having too much interest or by contacting you to make plans.
10. She takes control
Taking control in a relationship is not a bad thing, but if you find that you are in a relationship with a woman who is far too dominant, it will make you feel like a fool. A dominant woman will make all of the major decisions without consulting you. This can become very stressful and lead you to some difficult moments in the relationship.
Not only that, but a dominant woman will also be cold and fail to take your feelings or opinions into consideration. She will be the one who rules everything and calls the shots – she won’t even ask you for your opinion. This is her way of handling things and making herself feel more comfortable.
When you are with a dominant woman like this, you might wonder why she chose to be with you in the first place. It may seem like a cruel joke – first, she wants you and then she shuns you. She might run cold and then hot. If you are okay with that, it is fine – but if not, you need to have a serious conversation with her about how your future will play out.
11. She makes you feel too needy
If you are trying to make plans with her, you are not being needy. You are not asking too much or being overly reliant on her. If she gets annoyed by this, she is likely emotionally unavailable. If she wants to be with you, she won’t make you feel guilty about trying to make plans with her. She will instead feel touched that you are choosing to include her in your significant life events – as well as that you are making an effort to see her! She will make you a priority.
12. She makes you feel guilty…about everything
From time to time, your partner will likely make you feel guilty. That is pretty standard. However, an emotionally unavailable woman will make it difficult to be around her. She will make you feel guilty for all of the world’s problems and uncomfortable in your relationship. You do not need this in a relationship. What you need is affection, love, and a person who will care for you unconditionally.
Unfortunately, there is not much that you can do to change this behavior. You will need to find love in a different place. There are so many women out there who want to find love and you just need to remove yourself from your current situation in order to be happy yourself.
13. She does not rely on you
A relationship is a partnership and the people in that partnership should be a true team. While it is fine for one person to be a little bit more independent, you need to make it clear that you need to work together, too. If your girlfriend never asks for your opinion or help, warning bells should be ringing. A committed woman will show that she cares by asking about your ideas.
An emotionally unavailable woman will act independently, but she will do so at all times. She will never ask your opinion or your thoughts. In fact, she will make you feel bad for offending her if you choose to insert your two-cents. If this sounds like your relationship, you need to be done with it. She will continue to act like she runs the world and you will be forced to listen to what she says and wants – without any give and take at all.
14. She messages you constantly but never makes plans
There is a new phrase, invented with the popularity of the Internet and Internet dating, known as tethering. This process involves stringing someone along by texting them often, but never actually making plans in person. This creates a sense of false hope and can seriously hurt the person in the relationship. The woman on the other end will make the person feel as though she is interested, but she is ultimately too emotionally unavailable to handle a meet-up in person.
15. She is greedy
An emotionally unavailable woman is greedy – she will want everything, and she will want it right now! She might seem like a spoiled child, but that is the reality of being with a woman like this. She will do whatever it takes to get what she wants and if you do not give it to her, she will make you feel awful about it. The reality is that a woman like this does not care about the emotions of other people. She assumes that other people are emotionally damaged just like them and will avoid love and affection at all costs. Do not let another person treat you like this!
16. She can’t handle conflict
If the woman you love shuts down emotionally over every little conflict, turning the discussion into a fight whenever there is an opportunity, she might be emotionally unavailable. This sort of people have a hard time managing conflict, rarely feeling as though they should take responsibility for their actions. They will instead shift the responsibility to someone else, or will even add fuel to the fire or be incredibly disagreeable to the other person to make the rift even larger. People who are emotionally unavailable may also have more difficulty in regulating their moods, showing an insecure attachment style in relationships as a general pattern.
17. Her career takes precedence
Having a rewarding career should be important to everyone, but we also need to distinguish between private and professional lives. Money makes the world go around, but that should not be the only priority. A woman you are in a relationship with should make equal time for you as she does for her business – or at least as much as you are investing in her. If this sounds like your relationship, you may need to have a conversation. Tell her that relationships are about support and that you can’t support her if she does not want to love you back. Everybody deserves to be with someone who cares about them and you most likely do not need to hang on to an emotionally unavailable woman if she is not there for you.
18. She thinks she is better than you
You might act crazy in love, purchasing expensive gifts and cooking fancy, romantic dinners at every turn. You are putting your heart into this relationship, but for her, that might not be enough.
Do not take it personally. If you are with an emotionally unavailable woman, take comfort in knowing that she would likely reject any man who approached her – no matter how good he was.
You can work your ass off, and she still won’t be happy. Many emotionally unavailable women think they deserve the stars – and then some. This can be caused by past experiences or, perhaps, by something else. Unfortunately, no matter how hard you work, she will never think you are good enough for her.
A woman who meets this description, or anything we already mentioned, will not be able to be in a healthy relationship until she resolves the issues she is trying to deal with. Take comfort in the fact that it has nothing to do with you – it really is about her. We know that sounds like a cliché, but you will need to move on from this toxic, damaging relationship until you find someone who actually deserves you.
Remember That It Is Not Your Fault
It is very common to blame yourself for all of the chaos and heartache in the relationship. You might question whether there was something you could have done differently or something you could have tried to do to “fix” your partner.
Unfortunately, there is not much that you can do for someone who is emotionally unavailable. Their actions and beliefs likely are not due to anything you did, but because of the effects left by past experiences. Only the woman herself will be able to work through her issues with intimacy and true connection, and any romantic gestures on your part will go unnoticed.
Sadly, this can be difficult to see when you are entangled in a relationship. In addition, there is no magical solution or miracle cure to make her emotionally available. Just know that this woman is incapable of becoming your soulmate, at least for now, and move on. This is a difficult realization to deal with, but remember that this woman did not come into your life to stay forever, but to teach you something. Take something valuable from this situation and find a new relationship with a better, improved you.