They say that ambition is a virtue – it really is. There is nothing wrong with aspiring for a better life or wishing you had a little more money than you do. There is also nothing wrong with making an effort to achieve something you really want. The problem is that some people choose to use others to achieve their goals. They use lies, deception, pretence and they have no qualms using others as stepping stones to get to their destination.
Unfortunately, this happens quite often in the dating scene.
It’s not uncommon that a girl starts dating a guy because he is financially endowed and can afford to show her a good time. He can take her to places she would never afford to go on her own. If the relationship is a bit more serious and they choose to live together, she gets to live in a neighborhood she could never afford to live in.
If you are a young single guy who has done well for himself, this is probably a question you have asked yourself more than once. Does she really like me?
Or is she with me for the money and comfortable lifestyle?
So is She Using You?
These are some classic signs that a girl is using you.
1. She is curious about your paycheck
There is nothing wrong with asking questions to get to know each other on the first few dates. Questions like your favorite food, your hobbies or even quirky ones like your most embarrassing moment can pass as innocent curiosity.
On the other hand, other questions are just plain inappropriate. If your new love interest wants to know exactly where you live on the first date, I wouldn’t be surprised if she simply wants to establish if you live in a plush neighborhood or not. Worse still, if she wants to know how much you earn when you have only been out on two dates, there is reason to doubt her motives.
2. Your friends and family see through her
Sometimes you are so in love that you can’t see the most obvious signs. In other instances, you desperately want the relationship to work so you choose to ignore the signs and hope they will go away on their own.
In such cases, it is your friends and family who begin to notice that something is not right and warn you about her. If your colleague and your cousin who don’t even know each other both tell you to be careful because your new girlfriends might be using you, don’t take it lightly. They don’t know each other so they can’t have conspired to break you and your girlfriend up.
3. She never pays for anything
Gone are the days when men were expected to pay for absolutely everything. Don’t get me wrong, if you are taking a girl out on a first date, it is good manners to pay for the meal, especially if you were the one who asked her out. When you start seeing each other more often and having lunches and coffees regularly, you shouldn’t be expected to pay for everything.
If you notice your new girl is making you pay for everything, challenge her by asking her to show you what she likes to do. If she likes to watch movies
she should be challenged to invite you out for a movie and pick up the tab. Leaving her to decide what both of you do on your next date takes some thought and effort on her part. If she has no time and energy to do even that, it tells you where her heart is not – it is certainly not with you.
4. She knows very little about you
If she is using you, she knows very little about you even after dating for a few months. It has to do with being emotionally absent.
For example, all your friends know you are always talking about your sister Alice. She is also one of your best friends. One day you mention Alice in a conversation with your girlfriend and she has no idea who Alice is.
It is not surprising though. The mind tends to retain information it considers important or which it believes will be useful at a later date. If your girlfriend genuinely liked you
, she would effortlessly retain information like your dear sister’s name because she is someone you care about. If your girlfriend really liked you, Alice would naturally be someone she remembers and perhaps even looks forward to meeting.
5. She is not emotionally invested
Women are generally emotional beings – with a few exceptions, of course. If your girlfriend seems to be emotionally distant all the time, something is wrong. If a girl is simply with you to use you, she is emotionally aloof. She doesn’t talk about her day with you or about her friends or anything that is important to her.
When you ask her where the relationship is going, she responds with brief ambiguous answers like ‘Don’t know, let’s just see how it goes.’
When this kind of avoidance happens several times, it is time to re-evaluate your relationship.
6. You feel unappreciated
You have only been dating for 3 months and you are emotionally exhausted. You feel unappreciated and you are now wondering what would happen if you suddenly stopped all the sweet gestures like buying her gifts and sending her flowers at the office. Would she leave you? Would she start doing nice things for you
If these are questions you have asked yourself, it is time to open your eyes. Your girlfriend is probably using you. A girl who is using you doesn’t bother to reciprocate kind gestures. Some know they should but don’t care enough to do it. Others are so busy focusing on what they want from you, it doesn’t even occur to them that kindness ought to be reciprocated.
7. Your gut feeling is telling you something
Many people who found out that a girl had only been using them for many months of dating say they always had a strange feeling that something was not right. Gut feelings are difficult to explain but are undeniably present.
If there is always a tiny little voice at the back of your head which tells you that there is something in-genuine about this girl, it is probably right. Not that you should go ahead and break up with your girlfriend based on a gut feeling. It should, however, be enough reason for you to be extra cautious and investigate further.
8. She is manipulative
When someone is using you, manipulation
is almost always part of the game. How does it happen? Well, you want sex from your girlfriend. Perhaps all you crave is love, affection and acceptance. For other men, it is a commitment that they want – like for her to say yes to a marriage proposal. It could be anything.
Whatever it is, it becomes the proverbial carrot which is dangled in front of you with the promise that it will be yours if you do certain things. This is how so many men end up being used. They are constantly reaching for the carrot. They buy designer shoes, go on vacations across the world or buy sleek new cars for their girl.
Unfortunately, users have a way of shifting goalposts. No matter how obedient you are in terms of meeting her demands, you will never get to munch on that ‘carrot’ because users think that once they give you that carrot, you might stop showering them with expensive gifts.
9. She is increasingly demanding
A woman who is with you for what you can give her will not have reservations about demanding things from you. She may not make demands in the early days of the relationship but after you get comfortable with each other, she won’t hesitate to persuade you to buy her those $2,000 shoes she loves so much.
She may use sex as a reward for expensive items and be the sweetest girl you have ever met. But if you don’t give her the things she asked for, she sulks. She is angry at you for weeks and becomes a completely different person. At some point, you realize that you are basically buying sex and peace of mind in exchange for expensive shoes and shiny jewelry.
10. She mentions your name to other people
There is also the name-dropping habit which can be quite annoying, to say the least. You live in a town where your family is highly reputed for one reason or another. Maybe your father holds a senior political position. Perhaps your family owns some successful businesses there. You then notice your new girlfriend has made a habit of dropping your name to show off to her colleagues or get special favors from people. She could be with you to use your family name.
11. That rare but disturbing comment
It may seem easy but it is actually difficult to keep up an act. If your girl is using you, chances are she will have slip-ups. There will be moments when she forgets and reveals her real self, even if it is in a random comment.
For example, there is a bizarre story going around on social media about a woman who faked her identity so she could marry a well-known, deep-pocketed tycoon. You and your girlfriend are having a casual discussion about it. You are telling her how crazy it all is. Her first response is ‘but it was for a good cause. The end justifies the means.’ That’s a huge red flag!
12. She is only available for activities she likes
If your girl is using you, you may notice that she never commits to coming out with you until she knows exactly what you will be doing. If she likes dancing but doesn’t really fancy bowling, she will always be available when you and your friends are going out dancing but will be conveniently unavailable when the group chooses to go bowling.
She will avoid any kind of inconvenience even if it is to help you out. When you are moving house and call a few of your friends to help you with the packing and carrying, that is the day she has an ‘emergency’ at work. When you invite her out for a random evening together, she counters all your suggestions on where to go. She would rather go to a more expensive restaurant or a less intimate place.
13. Your needs are not important
When someone is using you, they stop doing stuff that they used to do to make you happy. When they get what it is they wanted, why go to all that trouble anymore? If you are dating a girl who had her eyes set on moving into your mansion with you, she won’t bother doing nice things for you when she finally moves in.
If she does not like to cook but often went out of her way to cook for you just because you like it, you can now forget about her ever getting into the kitchen. When you voice your needs, she makes you feel like a bad person or like an excessively needy child.
14. She is only with you for sex
While it might be flattering for a guy to think that a woman is with him for sex
, some guys are looking for much more than that. A genuine friendship or emotional connection comes to mind. It is not only women who crave these things – men do too.
If you are dating a girl and you have more sex than you do conversations, then maybe that is what she values most about you. A classic sign that this is the case is if she is quick to honor invitations to your apartment but seems to have only one goal. She arrives then you are in the sack in the first ten minutes of her arrival. After that, she is out the door. No time for pillow talk, cuddling or even a midnight snack.
15. Her interest in you is time specific
When a girl really likes you, she wants to spend time with you whenever possible. Rarely would she wait a couple of days to return your call. If she is using you, you may notice patterns in her willingness to be with you. You call her on Tuesday afternoon but she does not answer her phone. You assume she was busy at work and will call back by the end of the day… but no. She does not return your calls or reply to your text messages all week. At 7 pm on Friday, she calls you to find out if you can take her out again.
Tips on How to Make Her Revel Her Real Self
Now you know some of the classic signs that a girl in your life is using you to achieve her goals. However, most of these are habits you would probably notice after a few months or even many months of dating.
You are probably wondering if there is any way you can make sure you see the signs earlier on in the relationship
. Wouldn’t it be great to be able to tell that a girl is a user or a liar by the end of month 2? It would certainly save you a lot of time and emotional energy; not to mention lots of dollars’ worth of expensive gifts and meals.
Here are some tactics you could use to bring out the ‘evil’ in her sooner. Some require playing a few tricks and others simply call for you to be more attentive.
Does she have her own thing(s)?
Find out what else there is in her life besides a relationship with you. Who are her friends? What does she do for a living? What does she like to do on her own?
It is not healthy if a girl puts her entire life on hold because of you. She won’t allow it if she genuinely likes you and is looking at your relationship as something long term. If there is something specific she is hoping to get out of you, she will be happy to put everything else on hold because it is for a limited period – and for a specific purpose.
Put her in a variety of scenarios
When you first start dating, it is normal to spend a lot of time together at restaurants or at each other’s homes. Being alone together helps you to get to know each other. Do not let it stop at that. Start exposing her to different environments and different crowds.
Make a point to spend time hanging out with your group of friends and her group of friends. If you are both comfortable, you could hang out with siblings and other family members, too. Take her along when you go out for drinks with a few close colleagues from work. Whichever groups you choose, the point is to observe her in all these environments.
Does she socialize with people easily or does she sit at a corner and play games on her phone until it is time to leave? On the other extreme, does she socialize a bit too much? Some girls have been known to go out with a boyfriend but end up hanging out with other people all evening only to reappear when it is time to go home.
Even if she is a great actress, if she is not genuinely interested in you and you remain attentive, you will notice something telling. This is why it is important to expose her to your friends. In the event that you do not notice anything because you are so in love, your friends will.
Watch out for signs of her pressuring you
She is afraid you might just change your mind:
If a girl’s aim is to get a well-to-do man to put a ring on her finger, she does not want to wait and see how it goes. She wants to get married… tomorrow! She pressures him to do whatever that needs to be done before the wedding as soon as possible. This is quite common and happens because she does not want to take the risk of something going wrong before the guy commits to her permanently. He might just find out something which makes him re-think the idea of a marriage between them.
She can’t act forever:
A woman may also be in a hurry because she realizes that she can only keep up the necessary act for so long. If they wait too long, she knows that the chances of her slipping up somewhere is higher. So gentlemen, if a woman is in a mad rush to get married or to get you to make some decision, think again.
Watch her friends closely
When you hang out with her friends, watch them closely. Birds of a feather flock together. Are there some disturbing traits in her best friends? That should worry you. She may be successful at hiding them in herself but her friends may not be as careful. Sometimes, a girl is completely unwilling to have you meet her friends. That should definitely leave some questions in your mind. What is she hiding?
Listen and retain details
They say that men are poor listeners. I don’t know how true this is but if you want to find out whether a girl is being completely honest with you or not, you will have to listen – and listen carefully! Take note of details.
When you first met, she mentioned that she went to grad school in London. A few months later, one of her friends says they should all plan a trip to Europe since none of them has been to any European country before. Listen out for contradictions in what she tells you, be it about herself or her past. If she lied about some details, nothing stops her from lying about others.
When you confront her about contradicting details, you could get one of two results, with the latter being more worrying than the former:
- She comes clean and admits to having lied or misrepresented herself. She asks for forgiveness and appears to be genuinely embarrassed about it.
- She tries to cover up the first lie with another lie. This is dangerous because it tells you she is generally not an honest person.
Put her to the test
This kind of test will take a bit of planning and stage management. If you are up to it, give it a shot and see how your girl scores.
Visit your favorite restaurant beforehand and get one of the waitresses to work with you on your test. Take her out for a meal there, making sure that the same waitress takes your table. When you and your girl make your orders, have the waitress repeatedly mess up her orders. If she orders coffee, let the waitress bring her cold coffee. No one likes cold coffee. If she asks for a cold soda, have the waitress bring her a glass of warm juice. When it is time to eat, if she asks for fish, have the waitress bring her chicken. For dessert, have the waitress bring her ice cream when she ordered a cake. You get the idea.
Watch her reaction to all this. If she has presented herself as a calm polite person but loses her temper and screams at the waitress, you have reason to believe other traits she has presented may not be her real self.
There is a caveat on how you evaluate things here.
If in the time you have been dating she has been open about the fact that she is short-tempered and it is something she is working on, then losing her temper at the waitress may not be much to judge her on. The point is to note any behavior which is contrary to how she has presented herself.
It is Confirmed – She is Using You – What Next?
When you are totally convinced that the girl in your life is using you, take some time out to think about it seriously. If you choose to continue with the relationship, it needs to continue on different terms.
Start by creating distance
between the two of you for a while. Let her miss you. Let her be the one to initiate communication. When you do meet, let it be for an hour or two rather than long or unlimited time.
- Voice your concerns: When she reaches out to you, voice your feelings and concerns. Let her know you feel used.
- Set new boundaries: At this point, you can set new boundaries from a place of confidence. Do not allow yourself to downplay your needs and values.
If she is not willing to live with these, do not fret because it just wasn’t meant to be. Move on guiltless and hope for a better relationship up ahead.
Final Word of Advice
It is not uncommon for a guy to realize after many months that a girl has been doing nothing but using him to achieve her goals. If you have ever found yourself in this situation, you know that it is a terrible feeling. Now that you are better informed, there is no excuse to find out when it is too late – when you are nursing a broken heart.