The Five Stages of Finding Out Someone Hates You

how to tell if someone hates you

Hopefully, you can go through your entire life without ever having to wonder if you are liked or not. But in reality, if you are like most people, then you would have wondered, from time to time, whether somebody likes you, hates you, dislikes you, or is, in fact, merely ambivalent about you.

Often, people will try to hide that they hate you, both because they have ulterior motives or because the norms of society forbid them from acting upon their feelings. That being said, hate is a very complicated emotion and it manifests differently in each and every person.

How to Tell if Someone Hates You

Here are some tips for knowing whether someone hates you. Read the signs:

Watch their eyes

The easiest way to tell if someone hates you is to keep close track of what they do with their eyes. Many times, you will be able to tell how someone feels about you just by watching what they do with their pupils. The movement of your pupils often can’t be controlled directly by you, so it can be an accurate telltale sign of how someone feels about you.

For example:

  • If the other person is looking up and to their right, it is a clear indicator that what you are saying is boring them.
  • When pupils dilate, it shows that someone is interested, while if they decrease in size, they are probably bored.
  • If someone avoids eye contact with you altogether, it could be a sign that they are either hiding something from you or they do not trust you.

Pay attention to extremes

If you notice certain behaviors are common – and that they are expressed to the maximum extent possible – it is a good sign that someone deeply hates you. Some of the signs may be if the person seems tense or stiff, particularly in the shoulders, or if they express a lot of undue boredom or disinterest. They might also be over the top when they are around you, engaging in melodramatic behaviors or exhibiting an irritated tone of voice.

Look at major differences in how they interact with you

Pay attention to how this person interacts with you, especially in relation to how they interact with other people. For example:

  • How do they communicate with you versus how they talk to others?
  • How do they act when there is something they want versus the rest of the time when they don’t need anything from you?

In addition, look at how the person behaves in different situations. This can often give you an idea of whether they hate you, particularly if they are trying to lie to you or mislead you in the process. The whole idea of a polygraph test is to pick up on the little differences that appear when someone is lying versus when they are telling the truth. Although you likely don’t have a lie detector handy, paying attention to little signals – especially signals related to differences in how people interact with you versus with others – can help you tell whether they are being honest and more importantly, whether they hate you or not.

In general, a person who hates you is going to behave quite differently in various situations. Unless there is something forcing them to pretend to like you, they are probably going to act very differently in all kinds of settings.

Don’t confuse other emotions for hatred

Be mindful of the other emotions that are easily confused for hatred. Some of the most common emotions that could be misunderstood for hatred are fear, shyness, and jealousy.

Think about the personality of the person in question to determine whether the emotions that they express are typical of that person are not. For instance, is the person normally shy, or do you have something that this person might be jealous of? Do you have a naturally pushy demeanor that could make the person be afraid of you?

Pay attention to their openness

If a person regularly withholds substantial amounts of information from you – particularly information that is relevant to what you are doing together – it could be that they do not like you. In fact, they might hate you! While not always revealing information could be a simple sign of forgetfulness, it could also imply that they just really do not like you.

Know What Signs are Significant

1. Try not to take it personally

First of all, do not take any of these signs too personally – especially not if you are just beginning to notice them. Often, it could be that something completely unrelated in this person’s life is the cause of their aloof behavior toward you. They might not actually hate you or be disinterested in what you have to say – it could just be how they act in general or something else could be causing this kind of negative responses, too.

2. Watch out for consistent trends

Do not think that being met with coldness on the first time you meet someone is an automatic sign of hatred. It could just be discomfort in the new situation. Plus, everybody has occasional bad days – you should not take this as a sign that they hate you right off the bat, especially if it is just a one-off circumstance.

3. Some people are simply thoughtless

Unfortunately, some people just aren’t aware of what they say and how their actions could affect others. Some people have a poor idea of social cues. They might not understand how their behavior causes you to feel all those negative vibes from them. If that is the case, they may have social difficulties that extend far beyond their interactions with you. Try not to take things too personally, because sometimes, people just do not think – or do not know how to act in a proper manner.

4. Think of the source

If you only hear from another person that you are hated by a third person, then that might not be totally reliable. If you can, ask the source why they think the other person hates you and dig for more information about how reliable they might be. If this person is known to be a gossip or to be someone who likes spreading misinformation, try to figure out whether this information is legitimate or not before getting too worked up over it.

5. Pay attention to your own behavior

Sometimes, a paranoia that someone hates you can cause you to modify your own behavior in a negative way – often, without you even realizing it! Pay attention to your own behavior, because often, it could be your actions and not actually you that they hate.

There are certain triggers to pay attention to in particular. Certain conversations or topics can cause discord, as can language, symbols, or inappropriate humor. If you have recently requested that someone do something or even change something, that could be a flag – as could the ways in which you interact with him or her. Some people don’t like physical intimacy or a lack thereof, either because the other person might be uncomfortable with how often or how little you engage with them in this fashion.

What To Do?

If you have found out that someone hates you, you may feel incredibly frustrated and as though you do not have any control over the situation. Do not let it get the best of you because there are plenty of steps you can take to address things if you feel as though you are hated. If you are normally a warm, well-liked extrovert, you may have difficulty understanding that not everybody is going to like you. It happens! Although it is not pleasant, it, unfortunately, is something you need to learn how to deal with.

The Many Stages of Accepting That Someone Hates You

1: Self-Doubt

The first stage after discovering that someone dislikes you is to learn how to trust yourself. You may feel incredibly frustrated, thinking that it is somehow your own fault – it probably isn’t. Think carefully about the conversations you have had with this person in the past, particularly those that may help you understand why they might hate you.

Then, evaluate whether you may have done something to anger them. Is there a way you can make it up to that person? If so, do it. Try to fix whatever you have broken. If you do this and it works – perfect! You can stop reading. If, however, the person seems to hate you even more now, you will need to progress to stage two…

2: Anger

It’s normal to feel angry when you have tried to right a situation with someone, only to be met with no success. If you feel as though the person is still upset with you, or even hates you, you are rightfully probably pretty pissed off. If that is the case, go ahead and express that anger – but in a constructive way. Write an angry letter, then burn it. Do whatever you need to do to get over the anger in a healthy manner. Then move on to step three…

3: Sadness

It is normal to feel sad in this kind of situation, too. If you have just realized that someone hates you, you are probably going to be a little weepy. That is okay. Go ahead and have a good cry. It is natural to be confused and hurt in this situation. After all that you have done to do the right thing, why do they hate you?

Then go for a long walk. Take a look at all the other people enjoying each others’ company – this is bound to cheer you up, but if it doesn’t, it will make you cry harder. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It is good to get all of this negative energy out. Cry all night if that is what you need to do. But then it is time to go to bed and wake up the next morning, dehydrated, but ready to proceed to the final steps…

4: Make a plan

Once you have gotten all those negative emotions out of the way and accepted that someone hates you, it is time to come up with a plan for how you are going to deal with it. Their hatred likely won’t stop, therefore, you need to be resilient. You don’t need them! You don’t need someone who hates you. Vow to make yourself a machine that is unfeeling and stone-cold. You can even start to take on this persona by buying a new notebook and writing a list of how you will get back at this person. For example:

  • Maybe you are going to squeeze a bit of toothpaste out of their tube every morning and let it dry in the cap so it stays crusty no matter what.
  • Perhaps you will get to work ten minutes early each day just to jam the stapler on their desk.
  • Maybe you will always pretend that you can’t hear what they have said to you so that they are forced to repeat themselves to you until the end of time.

Do these things. Sow seeds of hatred into your hater’s life, too, but make sure they are subtle and clever. They do not need to know that it was you who did these things. Let them crack. And then when it does happen, just sit back and observe. Wait until they realize the level of suffering they have inflicted on you and then you will be able to sit back and enjoy, with your expression of steel, as things unravel. You will be able to say, with a calculating grin, “Oh, her? No, she and I are actually good friends. We are totally fine.”

You are cold as ice.

5: Acceptance

You do not necessarily have to do stage four, especially if you think you are a kind person and you do not want that kind of karma unleashed on you! Give yourself some credit, and instead, move on to step 5.

Stop thinking about it. Stop rereading their Facebook posts – especially the ones with hatred directed toward you – and realize that maybe they are just not somebody you want to like you, anyway. They were probably wrong about you – or maybe they were right? Either way, the two of you aren’t meant to be in each others’ lives.

Any of these feelings are valid. Not everybody you meet is going to like you, and the opposite of that is true, too. You are not in high school anymore and you do not need to be popular. Realizing that some people are bound to hate you is simply part of growing up.

Try and Stay Positive

Look on the bright side, though – you do not have to like them back. Wait things out and see what happens. It could be that this perceived hatred isn’t hatred at all but is instead a case of misunderstanding. Maybe there was a bad first impression. See if the person comes around and if they do, then you will have another chance. And if they don’t? Just let it go – you do not need them anyway. Truly, only time will tell.

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