You are happy – for the first time in many months, you are really happy! Your career is on the right track and you are dating a guy who makes you more content than you have ever been with anyone else. He is a bit older than you are but that hasn’t been a problem.
This very well could be it! This could be Mr. Right for you. Everything about him is perfect – except for one thing, one invisible, intangible thing.
You can’t shake off this feeling that he might be married. He might be spending time with you and going home to his wife. You have noticed a few suspicious patterns which may be nothing to worry about but they could also mean that all you have is a borrowed lover.
If this feeling is familiar, you know how frustrating it is to be falling in love with someone but be uncertain about whether he can really be yours. Of course, the easiest way to find out is to just ask him. If you prefer not to do that, here are a few Sherlock Holmes tips you could use to find out… without asking.
How to Find Out if Someone is Married
Cash payments only
If your new love prefers to pay for everything in cash, it might be because he does not want to deal with the trail left by credit cards or other forms of trackable payment methods. If he is married, his wife probably has access to his debit card statements or credit card bills which would form clear evidence that he has been misbehaving.
This is not to say that any amount of cash is questionable. Most people carry some cash to make quick, cheaper payments like for fast foods or random snacks from vendors. When it comes to more expensive expenses like dinner at a fancy restaurant, credit and debit cards are the standard mode of payment here in America. If he pays using cash and only cash – then you have a reason to suspect he is hiding something.
How does he spend free time?
There are huge differences between how single people and married people spend their free time. Married people generally spend it with their family, be it at home or out somewhere. Single people tend to spend their free time with different groups of people. A single guy will be hanging out with one group of friends one weekend and another group the next.
Ask him how he spent his weekend and see how he responds. Does he stutter? Does he give very scanty information? Does he refrain from naming names of the people he was with? These could all be signs that he is hiding something from you.
Check the courthouse for a marriage certificate
Information about an individual’s marital status can easily be obtained from the local courthouse. In some places it is free and in others, it is available at a small fee.
Find out if he has been living in the same state all his adult life. If you have information that he lived in another state, check for this information in the courthouse in that city.
For this, you will need this basic information.
- His official names. If you know him by a nickname, that won’t help much. Sometimes 2 names are sufficient to do a marriage history search. If any one of his names is very common, you may need to have all his names in order to get accurate information.
- Which state he may have been married in.
While in most states marriage information is publicly available, some jurisdictions choose to keep such information private. Every state has different policies in regard to public and private information as well as official procedures of how such information can be obtained. Take the time to learn how to go about it in your state or city.
- Check for divorce records
You may be shocked to find that your boyfriend did get married several years ago. Information from divorce records could show that the marriage is no longer in existence. Perhaps he is yet to gather the courage to tell you about his past.
- Discover more: Tell Tale Signs He Wants to Commit but Is Too Scared
Wedding ring tan line
If he has been wearing a wedding ring for a year or more, you should notice a slight difference in the color of the skin at the bottom of his ring finger. If he has not been wearing it for long or has dark skin, it may not be as obvious. Even then, the skin on a finger of which a ring has been worn for months appears slightly dented at where the ring would ordinarily sit. Look out for any differences on the skin in that particular area of the finger.
Limited slots of time
Having limited time to spend with you is another red flag to look out for. Does your boyfriend have to be home by 10 pm every weeknight? Perhaps he says he has a big meeting in the morning so he wants to get home early and have a good night’s rest at home – and away from your bed? It is fine if this happens once or twice but if he always has a reason as to why he can’t be out with you beyond a certain time, it may be because he has to get home to his wife and kids.
Some people genuinely have to get up really early on weekdays so it is difficult to stay out late. If your love has to be home early even on a Friday or Saturday night, then there is something to worry about. Either he is just not that serious about you or he is married – or you could have a combination of both of these.
Search an online directory
This is a pretty simple process and you won’t need help from anyone. Just perform a search on his name or telephone number on an online directory and see what comes up. Is he listed as living in the same house with a female who has the same last name as him? If he is, search her to confirm she is not his mother, sister, or a relative. If she is neither of those, then she is probably his wife.
Keep in mind that sometimes information in online directories is outdated. Maybe he is listed as living with a wife but is now divorced or separated.
Spontaneity is a luxury almost exclusively enjoyed by single people. They can go out on a whim, stay out as long they like and end up crashing at a friend’s house. They do not have to worry about being home in time for dinner and quality time with the kids or anyone else really doesn’t feature anywhere on their list of priorities.
Take note of your boyfriend’s socializing habits. Is he available for drinks with a half hours’ notice? Can he take an unplanned trip out of town… just for fun? If not, there is something or someone holding him back. However, keep in mind that some single people may also have responsibilities that they can’t just abandon, like taking care of a sick parent.
What does he drive?
There are endless vehicle brands in the country but there are some cars which scream “family”. If he drives a minivan, that may be something to put on your list of questionable details. Well, there is the rare chance that he works for Honda and is driving the latest family van as a part of company advertising but not likely.
If you ever get a chance to ride in his vehicle, take a quick look around. A baby’s car seat would be a dead giveaway. Look for a woman’s shoes or random pieces of jewelry. If he is married and his wife uses the same car often, there will probably be some traces of her in the car.
Have you met any of his friends or family members?
The average man has say 6 or 7 guy friends who he spends time with; meets up with for a couple of beers or to watch a game. Out of these, there may only be 1 or 2 who condone his behavior to have an affair so he can only introduce you to those friends.
If you have been dating a guy for several months and you have only met 1 or 2 of his friends when he is constantly talking about a much bigger group of friends, you should wonder why you have been hidden from the rest of them. If he were single, there would be no need to hide you from anyone.
Also, if you have never met a single member of his family even after dating for a while, it should strike you as strange. Is he hiding you from his family? If so, why?
Have you been to his home?
When two people first started dating, it may take some time before either one of them feels comfortable enough to invite the other into their home. As the relationship grows and develops into something more serious, they spend time at each other’s houses and maybe even have a few sleepovers.
If you have been dating for several months and the relationship has grown steadily over the months but you still have no idea where he lives, it should strike you as odd. If he is married, of course, he can’t invite you to his house so you will probably hear excuses like ‘my house is always such a mess, let’s just hang out at yours.’
Suspicious phone habits
You can read a lot about a person by his phone habits. You may miss a lot of suspicious behavior if you are not looking out for it. Here are a few tips on what to look for.
- Does he have more than 1 cellphone? Some business people keep more than one phone to be able to separate work and personal matters. On the other hand, some men who have mastered the art of cheating use 2 or more cellphones to keep their mischievous behavior separate from their spouse and family.
- Does he often have calls coming in but chooses not to answer them when he is with you? It could be his wife calling and he feels uncomfortable to answer her calls when he is out with you. However, do not mistake this with good date etiquette. Some men consider it bad manners to answer calls while on a date with a special lady. If this is the case, wait it out. After a while, he should ease up and be free enough to pick calls in your presence.
- When you are out with him, does he prefer to step out of the room to pick calls so you cannot hear what he is saying? If the two of you are serious and looking toward a long term relationship, he should feel comfortable enough to take calls with you in the room.
- Is he reluctant about giving you his home phone number? If he is married, this is a no-no. It is something he would not want to do.
- Are there certain times of the day, say evenings, when a married man would ordinarily be at home, that he does not pick up your calls? Does he always answer your calls in the day when he is at work but does not answer them after working hours? He may be reachable in the evenings but not at another time of the day. Look out for patterns when he is usually unavailable and start further investigations from there.
Social media accounts
Social media can tell you a lot about a person’s personal life. Look through his Facebook, Twitter and Instagram accounts. Look through his photos to see if there is a woman who appears in more than just a few photos here and there. If you notice one who appeared often for some time but is not in any recent photos, it could be an ex-girlfriend. Check his relationship status on Facebook. Rarely will a married man indicate that he is single on Facebook. The more active he is on social media, the more information you can gather about him.
- Bare profile
What if he is not on Facebook at all? What if he does have an account but it is extremely bare? There is very little information and he does not even have a profile picture up. There are also no photos of him or anyone else. A bare social media account or none at all may be a sign of more than just a hidden wife and children. It may be that he is hiding from something… read the law. It may be bad news to find out that your boyfriend is married but perhaps the worse news is to learn that he is a wanted criminal.
Hire a private investigator
A private investigator could be useful when you need a thorough digging done and prefer not to get your hands dirty at all. These guys are professionals so they can get the information you would have struggled to get.
The downside to hiring a PI is that they can be quite expensive. If all you are looking for is a simple yes or no answer to whether he is married or not, such professional services may not be necessary. However, if you need a lot more details and can afford it, go ahead and engage a PI.
Do some snooping yourself
Yes, it is bad manners to snoop through another person’s personal things – there should be no excuse for this kind of behavior. In this case, however, we could rationalize it by saying that it is even worse manners to lie to a love interest that you are single when you are not. So you can console your conscience with the idea that he would be the one carrying the greater evil.
If you do decide to go ahead and do some snooping around, these are the best places to find quick and reliable information.
- His wallet. Look through his wallet. Does he have a photograph of a woman in there? Perhaps a photograph of a child, too?
- Look through his credit cards. Are there any joint credit cards? Who is the other person? If they have the same surname, it is probably a spouse.
- His phone. A person’s cellphone can give an immense amount of information, especially if they do not suspect that someone will be fishing for information. If they do, he may delete certain messages or change passwords.
- Check the call log to see who he has been talking to and for how long. Look through the logs for the last week or two. Who does he talk to most frequently? If he is married, there must be frequent calls to and from his wife.
- Look through text messages as well. What has he been saying to whom? Maybe you are not the only person he is seeing behind his wife’s back.
- His driveway. Drive to his house and park a good distance away. (Now we are really getting into detective mode!) Check to see if there are 2 cars. It could be that he has 2 cars for himself but it could also mean that he is married and the other car belongs to his wife. This is not a sure way to get solid information so you can’t rely on it alone. He could be living with a sibling, other relatives, or a friend and the other car belongs to them.
Be warned, though, some people are extremely sensitive about their privacy. If you get caught snooping like this, it could very well be the end of your relationship.
Some Final Words
Any woman who has found herself in love with a married man will confirm this – it is a terrible feeling to find out that the man you thought you would be saying ‘I do’ to, already said it to someone else.
These are a few telltale signs and tips on how to find out for yourself before it is too late – before your heart is irreparably broken. That said, the best advice I would give is that you should always listen to your gut feeling. A man may be great at covering his tracks and you may be so deep in love that you fail to see the most obvious red flags. If your gut tells you that he is not being completely forthright, listen to your intuition.