So you have decided that being a friend with benefits or having a friend with benefits is right for you. Before you get started, make sure you actually understand what this is. It means you only have sex, and there is no emotional commitment required – you get in, and get out.
It is not for everyone, but for some, it is a dream. However, there are some rules you need to follow if it is going to work out correctly and easily for both of you.
A friends with benefits relationship is often great in theory but can fail over time due to poor execution. Sure, it is fun to have a mutually beneficial relationship where there are no dates or emotional commitments required. No bullshit to deal with equals a win for everyone… right?
But while it sounds simple, it can end terribly because things could easily get complicated…. very complicated! A friend with benefits relationship isn’t like all other relationships. You need to make sure you follow these guidelines to avoid getting confused or let down – or worse, getting hurt!
The Rules for Friends With Benefits
Do not fall in love
The cardinal rule of a friends with benefits relationship is that you can’t fall in love. The whole point of this relationship is that it is different than a typical relationship. There is no Prince Charming here and there is no fairy tale happily ever after.
Sure, you can be comfortable in the friends with benefits relationship but you can’t allow feelings to blossom. If they do, you need to be disciplined enough to nip that in the bud. Remember, there is a reason why you aren’t going into a full-fledged relationship with this person. Stick to your guns, and do not let feelings get involved.
It is not for everyone
And do not be surprised if you wind up hating it. Sure, having a friend with benefits can be sexy and it can be downright dirty at times
, too! Some people really enjoy it because the casual nature of this kind of relationship has a lot of appeal for some people. But some people don’t like it at all. Don’t be surprised or upset with yourself if it turns out that it is just not for you.
Don’t try to change things
You went into this with the understanding that it would be a friends with benefits relationship – hopefully. If you went into this kind of relationship thinking that you would be able to convince the guy to be in a serious relationship with you after sleeping with him, think again. Not only does this rarely work, but it doesn’t lay the groundwork for a good relationship at all.
Unless you are just sexting, of course. The only kind of message you should be sending to someone with whom you are in a friends-with-benefits relationship is, “When do you want to hook up” or “where?”. Besides that, you don’t need to be texting about what kind of day they had, what the weather looks like, or any other small talk.
Don’t get attached. This can be tough, but in order for it to be a true friends with benefits relationship, you need to avoid getting too attached. You can’t get jealous if you see him spending time with other girls, and you can’t get angry if he does not text you back right away. Neutrality is key.
No dating allowed
Be careful about how and when you spend time with your friend with benefits. Don’t grab coffee or breakfast the morning after. Don’t go out for pizza. Anything that is not in the bedroom constitutes a date.
It sounds pretty nitpicky, but the reason why I recommend this is that when you go out to spend time with someone with whom you have a strictly sexual relationship with, you are getting closer to them. You are beginning to form a bond. That is bad. Bonds lead to emotional attachment – which leads to feelings. Subsequently, feelings lead to relationships. That is so not the point of the relationship!
It can be tough to resist the urge to cuddle post-coitus, but you need to. When you cuddle, you will begin to form a bond, which is not a good thing. Sure, cuddling feels great, but it is going to make things more complicated later on.
Don’t introduce him to people
This one might sound obvious, but don’t take your bed buddy out to meet your friends or family! First and foremost, wouldn’t it be awkward to introduce them as your friend with benefits – no strings attached and never will be? Also, you are going to make things more complex because you will never hear the end of it from your friends and family. Save yourself the hassle.
Choose your partner wisely
Make sure you are picking your friend with benefits wisely. You need to make sure there is no awkwardness if you end up breaking things off. For example, you might want to avoid people like coworkers or friends-of-friends
that you are likely to see if you are not sleeping together anymore.
Keep the door open
Just because you are not interested in a relationship now does not mean that you won’t be later…but with other people. Friends with benefits relationships rarely work because people close themselves off from the potential of finding a relationship with someone else. They think that since they are sleeping with someone, they can’t be on the prowl for an actual relationship with another person.
Remember, this is NOT
a real relationship, you need to keep the door open for finding actual love and a relationship with someone else later on down the road.
Don’t make it a daily thing
Try not to hook up with your friends with benefits too often. Usually, more often than twice a week is going to lead to trouble. If you spend too much time together – even just in the sack – you run the risk of those unwelcomed feelings developing.
Try not to get jealous
Keep communicating and remember that if you find someone you like, you need to tell your sexual partner. This goes the other way around, too. These are the basic rules of courtesy. Remember, you two set ground rules at the beginning that it would be sex and nothing more, therefore, you need to remain unattached and able to make a clean break.
Don’t sleep over
Whatever you do, try not to sleep over. This isn’t necessarily a deal-breaker, but it is going to make your life a lot easier if you know when and where to draw the line. It is totally fine to leave as soon as the job is done.
A backup and a friend with benefits are not the same
Many people confuse the idea of a backup and a friend with benefits. They are different. A backup is a friend you have likely never slept with but have brought them to birthday parties, family functions, or other occasions.
Often, the backup is someone you are very close with – perhaps your best friend. It is somebody you might eventually end up with because everybody else in your life already accepts them. Do not confuse them for a friend with benefits because this can lead to a lot of difficulties later on.
Similarly, you should not enter into a friends with benefits relationship with a person you are actually friends with. Sure, a lot of us can get drunk and hook up with someone with whom we are actually friends, but this can get tricky. Try not to let there be any underlying emotional attachment there.
Don’t talk about it
These aren’t like normal relationships – they are much less serious. You do not need to define or discuss the relationship together. Just let it happen and try to avoid the serious chat.
This sounds obvious but it should be the number one rule of your friends with benefits relationship. You have to use protection
. Of course, you don’t want to get pregnant, but the other issue here is that you don’t want to get sick. Just because you are not taking your relationship seriously does not mean that you should not take your health seriously.
Know that they are not going to last forever
A friends with benefits relationship is not eternal and it is not built to last. It might only last week or it might last a few months. Enjoy it while it lasts, but know that it is only temporary.
Final Words of Wisdom
These FWB relationships are not for everyone. If you find that you are thinking about your newfound bed buddy more often than not, or if you start developing feelings, you need to end the relationship. If you know that you are not very good at distinguishing love from sex, then it is important that you steer clear from having a friends with benefits relationship in the first place.